Memories of You
by Sindy Feesh
Summary: After the events of Epsidode 25, Trowa is left floating in space. In between life and death, he finds himself in the memory of his first time making love to Quatre. He longs to tell his lover that he will love him no matter what. TxQ Yaoi
1. Deep Space

Prologue: Deep space

(Trowa's PoV)

The Vayeate wasn't made for this.

It about to explode…. That shot was too powerful. It's the end for me.

I can hear him calling for me. He's frantic… I know how hard this all must be for you Quatre... you were so kind and gentle... always…

It wasn't like you... this violence…

I hope you'll change back into that sweet, gentle Quatre I used to know… please

Space is so cold… I can feel him... his pain

Please, don't hurt him, Heero….


	2. Memories of you: Part 1

Memories of You: Part 1

"Trowa!" The blonde boy hailed, waving his arm as he ran down the path in the sakura-ridden park. "Wait for me!"

The tall, green-eyed boy stopped, he blinked. Moments before he had been in the cold recesses of space. Alone. A warm, delicately scented spring breeze swiftly replaced the cold air of the void, and his beloved Quatre's arms were around him.

"Ah! Your hands are so cold, Trowa!" Quatre grabbed one of them between his own pale hands, rubbing it gently in attempt to warm it.

Trowa looked down oh his slightly mussed golden head, a look of confusion gently passing over his eyes.

"Trowa?" Quatre met his gaze, "Are you alright?"

"Mm." He squeezed the other boy's hand, "I'm fine… I was just thinking…"

_Ah_, he thought, _these are my memories._

"I've missed you…" The Quatre smiled his warm, sweet smile, his blue-green eyes conveying all of his love purely and simply the way they always did.

"I've missed you, too…" Trowa couldn't explain how much he missed him, he didn't know how long he would survive in space… and although he knew he was only talking to a memory, he longed to tell Quatre how much he still loved him, despite his actions in Wing Zero. He wanted to tell him that he would love him, even after death. He wanted to say he would never, ever leave him, not even in death.

He couldn't… not now. He was caught in a dream, and it hurt his heart.

"Will you stay with me tonight?" Trowa could see a look of concern behind his beloved's eyes.

"Of course," Trowa paused, "What's wrong, Quatre?"

"It's nothing…" He forced a smile, "It's I just have this feeling… like something terrible is going to happen…"

Trowa winced, slightly, and pulled Quatre close to him. He didn't care if people saw them; he needed to have that contact. He knew how soon it might be gone. Quatre made a slightly started sound, but soon melted into Trowa's embrace. The brown-haired boy held the smaller boy tighter and whispered into his hair.

"It's ok…"

"Trowa, you…" he knew something was amiss.

"Shh… Quatre." He pulled him closer still, "I love you, and I won't ever leave you."

Quatre hugged him back, burring his head into Trowa's chest. He could feel some hidden untruth in his words.

"I love you more than anything… I always will."


	3. Memories of you: Part 2

Memories of You: Part 2

Trowa stared up at the ceiling, taking in the dark blue surroundings with eyes backed by nostalgia and melancholy. He new soon he would leave and the wheels of disaster would be put into motion. He wanted to stay, but changing his memories would do very little. Reality was permanent. He could not change what would come to pass all to soon. He was going to have to leave Quatre, not by his own will, but by the terrible will of the Zero system. He wanted to protect Quatre… just as Quatre had protected him in the past. He wanted to shield him from what ever changed him. He wanted to save him from this new era. He wanted to be there… and just to love him. He wanted to lock them in an eternal duet, so they could create the shining melody that is love till the end of their days.

A soft knock on his door stirred him from his brooding. He saw a pale hand push it open and then a golden head. Quatre entered, his pale skin glowing softly in the blue midnight light. He looked like an angle to Trowa. He stood awkwardly in a t-shirt and cotton shorts, it was clear he was blushing lightly.

"Trowa?" He whispered as he crept across the room, the door closing behind him, "Are you awake?"

"Yes, " He replied, "What's wrong?"

"I couldn't sleep…" He sat on the edge of the bed, "I…"

"Are you alright?" Trowa sat up and touched the other boy's hand.

"Yes but…" The blonde boy squeezed Trowa's hand, "I know it's silly but… I just feel like… I don't know. It's like your drifting away…"

"Quatre…"

"I'm sorry…" He turned away, but didn't let go of Trowa's hand, "It's just…"

"It's ok… I'm not going to leave you."

"I just want to be closer to you!" Quatre threw his arms around Trowa, tears starting to mist over his aquamarine eyes, "You mean everything to me, if you go I don't know what I'd do!"

"Shh… it's alright." Trowa cooed, stroking the other boy's yellow hair, "I'll all ways be here, with you. No matter what happens. I promise, ok? Even if I die… I'll still love you. There is nothing, nothing in the entire world, that could ever change that."

"Trowa…" He looked up at the tall boy's ever-calm face, slightly bewildered. He didn't know how to take what the other had just said to him, he couldn't fathom exactly what it was… but Trowa was hinting something.

Trowa leaned down and kissed him softly. He didn't want to see Quatre. The other boy had shown him so many feelings… such compleat trust in him, such blinding love. The boy had taught him what it was like to feel happiness. He deserved a perfect world; he was like a fallen angel. The war hurt him, Trowa knew how badly. Quatre wrapped his arms around his neck. It wasn't a lustful kiss; it was a loving one. It was kind and laced with some unknown sadness. They pulled each other close and on tight, keeping out the cruelty of the war and the world. They held on to what they had tighter than they held on to their lives. As they broke apart Trowa gently eased Quatre to the bed beneath him.

"Trowa... I've never…" He blushed.

"Neither have I…" Trowa smiled softly, "we don't…"

"It's alright," Quatre interrupted, reaching up to touch his lover's face, "I want to… I'm completely yours."

Trowa kissed him again, this time more passionately. Quatre responded immediately, opening his mouth to Trowa's. They explored each other's mouths, content, for some time, to be connected that way. They broke apart, their nerves excited by the intimacy of their kiss. They clumsily removed each other's shirts, their hands shaking slightly with fear and anticipation. Trowa kissed Quatre lightly on the neck, his fingers lightly brushing over the other boy's pale skin. He felt the blonde shiver as he gently traced over his collarbone with his fingertips.

"Ah…"

Quatre cried out softly as Trowa's kisses move to his chest. The flurry of little kisses sent tiny bolts of electricity racing over his skin. He felt himself becoming flushed, becoming hot, despite the chill of the night air. He gasped, his fingers weaving into Trowa's hair as the other boy closed his lips on the little pink nub of Quatre's nipple.

Seeing his lover's reaction to that, he gently pinched the other, moving his kisses down Quatre's torso. The sensitive boy writhed in pleasure beneath him, letting soft moans and cries fight through the silence of the evening. He dipped his tongue the blonde boy's navel, hesitantly moving his hand to the now apparent bulge in his pants.

Quatre's breath caught in his throat as Trowa began to slowly rub his crotch. He moaned, his back arching slightly off the bed. The dark-haired boy slowly removed the last pieces of Quatre's clothing. He moved his hand back to the blonde's groin; gently brushing it's tip with his fingers. Quatre's hips bucked, and gasping, he sat up, weaving his fingers into Trowa's hair. The green-eyed boy began to run his fingers up and down Quatre's ever growing erection, squeezing it lightly every few seconds. Quatre felt his muscles clenching, his hand moving over his lover's back almost frantically. His vision was darkening and he squeezed his eyes shut, overwhelmed by the sensations he was being submitted to.

"Ah! Trowa!" He cried, "Please, w-wait… I-I'll…"

Trowa pushed his finger lightly into the slit at the tip of the other boy's dick.

"Oh! That feels good!" Quatre's back arched, pressing his body into Trowa's, "B-but stop! I-I… I'm…I'm going to…"

Trowa removed his hand and Quatre collapsed onto him, his breathing frantic and heavy.

"What's wrong?" Trowa ask, his eyes filled concern.

Quatre looked up at him, blushing furiously, "I-I didn't want it to be just me…"

"Wha…"

Quatre cut him off, kissing him lightly. He pressed the other boy back slightly, his small, pale hand pushing away Trowa's under garments. Quatre knew very little about sex, his only reference being overheard conversations in the street and the few novels and manga he had quickly flipped through in the bookstore when he thought no one was looking. He was however, beginning to understand what did and didn't feel good. He leaned down and gently closed his lips on the end of Trowa's dick; hesitantly stroking it's tip with his tongue. The dark haired boy bit back a scream; fearful someone would hear his cries. Quatre took more of Trowa into his mouth, his tongue moving over the hardened muscle. Trowa pressed down softly on the other boy's head, moaning low in the back of his throat.

The night floated through Trowa's mind. Hours of fumbling hands and tiny cries raced across his eyes. He remembered Quatre's sweet little face, smiling at him softly. He remembered their bodies entwining; the closeness they felt when he entered his lover. He remembered the sparkle of the trails of a few tears and sweat in the moonlight. The gentle caresses and the sweet cool air of that calm spring night as they collapsed in each other's arms.

"Trowa?" Quatre said in a near whisper, his fine tapered fingers pushing Trowa's brown hair away from his eyes gently.

"What is it, love?" He smiled at the other boy.

Quatre sat up, pulling the sheets up around him slightly, "I… I might be gone soon."

Trowa lay his head in Quatre's lap, behind his eyes his mind was racing; he knew what would happen now that he had lived it, but it all seemed so fake while he was there, so close to the boy he loved. "Quatre…" He had to pause to gather his thoughts, "You won't ever leave me. You can't. It's not possible."

"But, Trowa!" His poor, tormented, beautiful wayward angel, "I can feel something's going to happen… It's going to be my fau…"

"No…" Trowa smiled warmly, his green eyes glowing with love as he reached up to touch his lover's milky skin, "Because I would never, ever let you go. I'd follow you to the ends of the earth if I had to. It's like I said: Nothing you could do would make me stop loving you. You… you could kill me, and as I lay dieing, I would use my last breath to say 'I love you.' I would wait at the gaits of heaven for you, because it would be hell with out you. You're my light, you always have been. You are all that is good and pure in my life. You taught my heart to love, and it will never belong to anyone else. "

Quatre leaned down and kissed him, and after a few moments he was crying in earnest. Some how he could sense that something terrible would happen after they separated in the morning. Something. He didn't know… his heart would not tell him more.

As the sun came up on that world, Darkness was closing on Trowa's mind. All of his life was dancing across his eyes, waltzing at first then whipping in to a maddening whirl till the glowing portion of his history that was his time with Quatre; every moment as golden as the darling boy's hair. All of it, every minute went spinning by and through it came the old, old song:

Waking skies - at sunrise

Every sunset too

Seems to be - bringing me

Memories of you

They came… and with out looking back drifted out into space.

Here and there - every where

Scenes that we once knew

And they all - just recall

Memories of you

Your face beams - in my dreams

In Spite of all that I do

And everything - seems to bring

Memories of you

…And then it was all black.


	4. When I Saw You Today: Part 1

Note: please do not comment on length… this section of the story will be done in several short installments.

When I Saw You Today part 1

(Quatre's point of view)

I've been tearing myself on the inside since that day. I never wanted to hurt you love; I didn't mean to do that darling.

I can't believe what you said that night is true. If Duo is right and you are here…

Oh, Trowa! Can you still love me? After what I did in Zero, can you even look at me?

Is it like you said that one last night we had together? Will you love me always?

You couldn't possibly forgive me! You loved me and I… I…

I nearly killed you, my beloved Trowa!

If you are alive there is no way you could have forgiven me… and there is even less of a chance you will still love me. I'm so, so sorry for what I did to you.

This is where Duo said you were…

Please, please be alive.


	5. When I Saw You Today: Part 2

When I Saw You Today: Part 2

(Trowa's point of view)

Who are you?

Why did you call to me? What are you doing behind a circus tent? You look too refined to be here: amongst the animals and jammering circus people.

Why do you look so sad?

I could see there are tears in your eyes… But Catherine has pushed you away.

Have you done something to her?

Ah! Music? I can hear a violin… a flute… I feel like I have to run!

There is such an incredible pain in my head… an image of you smiling burning into my eyes…

I should know you!

Who…

Who are you?


	6. When I Saw You Today: Part 3

When I Saw You Today: Part 3

(Quatre's point of view)

I'm dead to you, aren't I?

The way you looked at me when I saw you today… You didn't recognize me…

No… You were scared.. terrified it seemed.

You ran from me… Oh, Trowa!

What have I done to you!

Your sister, if she is indeed your sister is probably right. You don't belong in the war.. you are far too good.

You don't belong with me…

It feels so empty now… now that I know it's over… It's worse than when I thought you were dead…

At least then I could contemplate joining you…

Trowa…

I love you… I always will… I Promise…

Please, please be happy Trowa…

I'll miss you always… I wont ever for get you… wont forget the time we had together… I will carry your memory till this foolish war takes me away from here… Past the colonies and all that stars…

Till then, I'll lock up my heart with your memory inside.

When I saw you today… You didn't see me.

I am no longer myself.. not to you.


	7. When I Saw You Today: Part 4

When I Saw You Today: Part 4

(Trowa's Point of View)

I can't stay here any longer… There is something more I was meant for.

That boy… the boy with golden hair and sad eyes... he was part of it.

I wish I could remember more… Who was I really… am I Catherine's brother?

I'm sure… but I was never supposed to stay with her. I feel… that the love of a family was not meant for me.

The war.. the one Catherine tries to hide… I must be a part of it.

That boy… He started these thoughts?

Who is he… what was that song… I feel so lonely when I think about it.

I hesitate to say… he was… beautiful… almost like an angle… but he couldn't be… something about him seems wrong…. Almost like he carries some great sin on his shoulders.

Thinking about him had robbed me of my sleep. I must find him… he must know something about me…

I will tell Catherine in the morning.


	8. Lately it's so Quiet

Lately it's so Quiet

Quatre stood alone in the hold of the ship his gaze fixed on Wing Zero. Trowa was with them again. His memories were gone… almost completely. They had come across him again… during an attack. Trowa had left the girl claiming to be his sister and joined the five Gundam pilots in the life a solider once more. It was cold down there with the Gundams. Quatre's eyes seemed far away as he gazed at the machine that had driven him to madness.

"What I did to him…"

"OOOOIIII! Quatre!"

Quatre was startled, visibly stiffening, his body jumping slightly.

"What are you doing down there!"

It was Duo. His braid fell over one of his shoulders as he leaned, heavily over the guardrail high above Quatre. He had a playful face, he hardly ever looked serious. He was cute… so different than Heero. _Who would have thought that those two… and Relena… how confusing_ Quatre thought. He never could have handle the jealousy and questions stirred up by the triangle between those three. Could such a problem arise with this Catherine Trowa had mentioned?

Quatre shook the thought away.

"Nothing, I was just…"

Duo's eyes seemed a little troubled.. was he fighting with Heero again… was he here to escape? Was Quatre in the way again?

"It won't do you any good to mope like this." Duo flopped on the rail, his arm dangling downward to grab the end of his braid, "It's worrying me…"

"Huh?"

"Oh nothing… Things will work out. You love each other more then anybody else will ever love each other. Well… here at least…"

"Duo, what…"

"Hey! Don't you play music or something?"

"Well, yes but I…"

"It doesn't seem right… I know you love music. You never play anymore. I think it would do you good."

"… Alright."

"Ok! Good!" Duo smiled brightly… he always smiled… it seemed forced sometimes.

Quatre walked up the long flight of stairs. Duo ruffled his hair as he passed. As he was walking to the room were he kept his violin he saw Trowa. He looked the other way and pretended he hadn't seen him. He couldn't face Trowa. Noin constantly scolded him. _Moping won't help_ seemed to be the message he was receiving… but what could he do?

He sighed and put his violin case one the table that was sometimes used for chess. The clasps on the black case felt heavy, they were stiff from a lack of use. They snapped back with a loud crisp click. The hinges on the case creaked slightly as he opened and looked down on his violin. It was a good instrument, heavily used but true in pitch and sound quality. It was the violin he had been playing when Trowa first stayed at his home. When they played together. He remembered what it had felt like when Trowa had left him that day. He had wanted to run after him… but he held back. He had known they would meet again. They had.

Now Trowa was with him… on the same ship, but he was farther away than he had ever been.

Quatre sighed and raised the bow of his violin. As it moved across the strings the sound was sad and low. He had found it difficult to play anything happy. The sounds that came forth as his fingers pressed down the chords on the neck of the instrument were sad. Minor Keys… slow, slow tempos… they were sweetly heart breaking. As he played, He felt eyes on his back. He ignored them… it was probably Noin, poised to complain about the tone of the piece.

"What happened between us, Quatre."

It was not Noin. He would recognize that smooth low voice anywhere. He nearly dropped his instrument, but caught himself.

"What do you mean?"

"No one will tell me about you or me or how we knew each other."

"What makes you think that…" Quatre wouldn't look at him… he had to keep composure.

"Because you.. you won't even look at me. No one else seems so unfriendly…"

"Trowa… that's not…"

"What did I do? I… I don't know but I… I don't want you to hate me."

"Trowa…" It was strange for Trowa to act like this… he was never this nervous… he…

"I… I'm sorry. I'll let you continue."

He started to turn to leave. Quatre was too shocked to move at first. Trowa seemed so vulnerable… It was unsettling.

"No!" Quatre snapped out of his shock induced stupor and he ran to hug Trowa around the waste, "No, your wrong! I don't hate you! Oh, Trowa! I could never, ever hate you."

It was Trowa's turn to be surprised. He had not expected this of Quatre, who seemed calm and composed (if cold and melancholy). The blonde boy squeezed Trowa tightly, his face invisible to the other boy. His body began to shake slight and it slowly became clear to the green-eyed youth that the beautiful boy who was clinging to him was crying. Trowa hesitantly put his arms around him, gently holding Quatre to him.

When he felt Trowa's arms around him, Quatre's slow tears erupted into full sobs. He desperately clung to the tall boy's back. He couldn't control himself anymore. It had hurt so bad to keep away from him. He didn't want to upset Trowa! He had thought Trowa must have hated him… he didn't even remember what happened.

"My god, Trowa! I'm so sorry!" Quatre cried into Trowa's chest, "This is all my fault!"

"What are you talking about, Quatre?… you…"

"It was me!" Quatre's voice hiccupped slightly, "It was my fault! I did this to you! You always loved me, you never questioned me and you stayed with me and supported me… and Trowa you were always so wonderful! You thought I was an angle, it seemed but… but I… I ALMOST KILLED YOU, TROWA!"

"Quatre…"

"You might have died… and it was my fault… I knew… I knew… Oh, Trowa!"

Quatre pulled away from him, covering his face with his hands. His eyes stung with tears and his voice was hoarse and sore. Trowa just looked at him, he could not believe what he had heard. Quatre had tried to kill him? Surely not intentionally… It couldn't be.

"Oh, Trowa…" Quatre looked up and the tall handsome boy. "I still love you, more than anything else... I love you…" He reached up and touched Trowa's face.

He kissed him softly, but Trowa was too shocked to respond. Quatre hadn't expected the kiss to be returned. The tearstained boy stepped back, then turned away.

"… but I know there is no way you could love me anymore."


	9. Lover's Lullaby: Part 1

Lover's Lullaby: Part 1

"Don't, Trowa! Snap out of it Trowa! There are people you want to protect there! You're the one who corrected the errors of my ways! Are you going to repeat those same mistakes! Don't let the Zero System control you! You're not that weak!"

Trowa blinked. He had been fighting… in Wing Zero. He had been over come by images… hallucinations. They had seemed so real. So very, very real.

"Trowa?" It was Quatre's voice.

"That's right, Quatre… There are people I want to protect."

_My sister, our fellows… you._ He thought.

"Trowa…?" His voice sounded hopeful, "Your memories…"

"Mm." He turned, "I need to save my sister now."

"Trowa…"


	10. Lover's Lullaby: Part 2

Lover's Lullaby: Part 2

I had been a hard fight, but everyone had made it back. They didn't know how, sometimes, but it seemed that they always did, even when all hope was lost. This time, Quatre was particularly anxious to be back. I rushed to climb out of Sandrock, almost slipping more than once. Trowa touched the ground at nearly the same time as the blonde boy.

The stared across the hold at each other for a moment, a faint smile flickered across Trowa's face. Quatre bust into tears, but these weren't the tears of frustrated sorrow he had cried before. These were tears of relief and genuine happiness. He ran to Trowa had hugged in close.

"Oh Trowa! I'm so glad your back!"

Trowa smiled, " I think I told you once…" He gently tipped up Quatre's face, "I'd fallow you anywhere… and I also told you that I'd never leave."

Quatre smiled through the tears glittering down his face.

"I also said," He brushed a hair away from the other boy's face, "That I would love you, not matter what happened."

"Trowa…"

"All of that's still true."

They kissed softly, and a sweet, welcome warmth ran through their veins with the contact. The separated as the other pilots started to exit their mobile suits. They smiled.

"Will you…"

"Yes, Quatre. How could I possibly say anything else?"


End file.
